


never been so defenceless

by onlyforthegay



Category: One Direction (Band), Walls - Louis Tomlinson (Album)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29284881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyforthegay/pseuds/onlyforthegay
Summary: coming out... how i imagine defenceless
Kudos: 3





	never been so defenceless

day in and day out, it’s all she thinks about. i’m gay, i’m gay, i’m gay. a film over all her thoughts. she sees other people coming out, their parents laughing, smiling, “im so proud of you”. and she wants it so much. she wants to hate her parents for not letting her dream of it. but oh, she just desperately hopes for their acceptance. she hates it, but it's all she wants.

she sleeps instead. hopes that in her dreams somehow everything will be solved and that when she wakes up all will be fixed. she wakes up in the morning and everything’s still the same. her problems still there, a weight on her chest, and the same anxiety shrouding her brain. how would she tell them, she’s lost in her head, thoughts spinning as she tries to find what to say.

ignore everything, she decides. she has to act straight. she practices, staying up all night, running all her lines. when jenna asks who she likes, she’ll have the answer prepared. its sean with his curly brown hair and honey like eyes, who maybe, she wishes, she could have liked in an alternate universe. 

she doesn't want to. why does she have to hide. it’s only the truth. it's amazing and beautiful the love we have for eachother. yet, she still practices. but in the back of her head she wonders how she’d tell them. would she bring a girlfriend home, would she just straight out tell them, she wonders, wonders, wonders. she cant though. she’s not sure how to say it right. she has too much to lose. 

maybe she’ll hint at it. she buys a rainbow keychain in hopes that people will notice, but they just exclaim over how cute it is and try to ignore what she’s shouting out to them. she despairs in silence, quiet tears streaming down her face. she’s never been so defenceless, yet all they do is ignore her. her heart laid out, but she feels them start to shut her off. building fences upon fences between them. 

she pretends like it doesn't hurt. acting like she feels no pain. she has to keep on being so strong she has to. she cries and cries, sobbing into her chest. if they see her acting like this they’ll know they’re right. she has so much to prove.

“It's not too much, is it?” she pleads. she just wants their love. it's all she’s wanted since the beginning. they ignore her. yelling, their voices echo throughout the room. “we can fix you” “we raised you better” “...a sin…” why do they have to be so defensive. she crumples. not able to bear the words. too tired to be tough. she just wanted to be loved by them.

they refuse to listen. each word building up the invisible fence between them. she laid herself out to them, opening herself to their critique and hateful words, yet they just stepped further and further away. the gap between them immense, and the fences unclimbable. she’s never been so defenceless…


End file.
